Infinite-loop gets more loopy

I'm not here on this blog today for any reasons to write something entertaining. This page has become more like a good old friend to whom I turn to when sad to the core. A friend who would just want to listen me venting out my sorrows. Do not wish me to come here often and write often, I want to be happy girl which I was in 2009 2003, or may be all the time before 2002 or so the time which I do not remember being sad about anything. I do not understand where the wrong is, mostly I believe it is in me. I've heard many great stories about woman making the world a happier place, unfortunately I'm contributing more to world's sad-entropy. It is the Infinite-loop all over again, more intense, also the time in between had been same. There is no particular reason for my sadness, cause  I go and invent things to be sad at. Which I believe are true and are acts done deliberately to make me sad, but why would someone do like that to a sweet girl like me, I must be hallucinating all the time. This cannot be good, talking to friends/family hasn't helped so far. I want assurance of someone else who is busy making world happier but me. May be I should visit some sad places/people then I would appreciate how my reasons to be sad are so petty.

Oh, there is a happy blog of mine as well somewhere, so either I'm really sad or happy.

PS: Two posts in a day, the last post was in the drafts which I totally forgot to post and it is not sad.

Infinite loop

I've been acting in every wrong way and I starve for pity/love from others for my bad condition. I've become of the lot who think if they will present themselves as lonely/sad/love-deprived they will receive consolation in return. This seems easiest way, to cry and beg for comfort. I do not want to earn the love, I just want it to be given as alms. When I do not receive a single glance of sympathy even when I've cried loudest, made myself feel miserable is every possible way, I feel I should go back to being normal, and expect nothing. But doesn't last long, I hold on for few hours, go on making happiness within, and then when I see things aren't going as I expected, again I fall back to the same pit of loneliness. 

The worst part is that I know my actions are wrong and I must at once amend them, create happiness around, still do not find courage to crawl out of the darkness. I find myself stuck in this infinite loop, like sinning and repenting and sinning again... someone insert a break condition, please!

The worst than worst part is I do not see any reason why I should feel/behave in a way I am. I've husband who is most loving and caring and better job from last year and a nice house to take care of, see lots of reasons to be happy, so why?

Dream or nightmare

I really hate dreams, why do I dream when the reality would be as cruel as ever? Why that perfect paradise exists in dream when it’s going to be hell indeed?  That virtual happiness I feel while dream seems most real, what happens when reality takes its turn? Don’t you feel like, damn!  It was only a dream. This reality is real nightmare. Pleasant dreams are to be blamed for making life so unfair.

On the contrary, nightmares I like. They make me realise how worst things can go. When my sleep is broken out of nightmare, how thankful I feel. Sigh! It was just a dream, and wow it’s not going to be real. Thanks heaven, reality is so beautiful. Suddenly a bad dream changes the whole perception of my world. 

But, hey can’t I be left with just what is real? Do I really need a reminder of how awfully worst and how beautifully best life can be? While the reality is going to play safe forever.  Always threatening for worst and always giving false hopes for best. Couldn’t life be as humble?

Fear

It was a dark and stormy night, and the weather forecasts for next two days did not look any better.  Damn, the precious weekend would be spoiled in vain. Yes, dear God what do you want me to do now, sit at home and crib about bad weather on FB/twitter?
The bus jerked and stopped, giving a halt to my thoughts. As soon as I got down from bus, the immediate challenge for me was to reach just few meters away home. How can that familiar terrain look like a graveyard? The side walk trees that used to provide shadow, appeared moving ghosts, waiting for me to stumble and they would swallow me. The eyes of neighbor’s dog that used to sparkle with joy seemed emitting fatal laser beams, which would cut thru human flesh.  As I reached home the always welcoming metal gate, made creepy sound. I unlocked the door, and sighed with relief. The only sound inside home (the safe heaven) was the wind creeping from slits of windows and doors. Exhausted, I curled up on sofa. But, suddenly there was bright light coming from distant, and I heard a faint voice; the voice grew louder aggressively and someone was shaking me vigorously. I tried to absorb the spoken word; it’s almost 11 in the noon… Saturday doesn’t mean you would sleep whole day… My eyes opened at once, and there was Mum, the anger on her face sent chills down to my spine.  I argued: Let me sleep Mum, I couldn’t sleep properly, I’d frightening dreams. Mum: Don’t you dare watch horror movies again; they put fear in your mind.
I couldn’t agree more; yes, fear is only in our minds.

PS: Something I wrote for a contest that I did not win ;)