I've been acting in every wrong way and I starve for pity/love from others for my bad condition. I've become of the lot who think if they will present themselves as lonely/sad/love-deprived they will receive consolation in return. This seems easiest way, to cry and beg for comfort. I do not want to earn the love, I just want it to be given as alms. When I do not receive a single glance of sympathy even when I've cried loudest, made myself feel miserable is every possible way, I feel I should go back to being normal, and expect nothing. But doesn't last long, I hold on for few hours, go on making happiness within, and then when I see things aren't going as I expected, again I fall back to the same pit of loneliness.
The worst part is that I know my actions are wrong and I must at once amend them, create happiness around, still do not find courage to crawl out of the darkness. I find myself stuck in this infinite loop, like sinning and repenting and sinning again... someone insert a break condition, please!
The worst than worst part is I do not see any reason why I should feel/behave in a way I am. I've husband who is most loving and caring and better job from last year and a nice house to take care of, see lots of reasons to be happy, so why?