Friday, May 17, 2013

Infinite loop

I've been acting in every wrong way and I starve for pity/love from others for my bad condition. I've become of the lot who think if they will present themselves as lonely/sad/love-deprived they will receive consolation in return. This seems easiest way, to cry and beg for comfort. I do not want to earn the love, I just want it to be given as alms. When I do not receive a single glance of sympathy even when I've cried loudest, made myself feel miserable is every possible way, I feel I should go back to being normal, and expect nothing. But doesn't last long, I hold on for few hours, go on making happiness within, and then when I see things aren't going as I expected, again I fall back to the same pit of loneliness. 
The worst part is that I know my actions are wrong and I must at once amend them, create happiness around, still do not find courage to crawl out of the darkness. I find myself stuck in this infinite loop, like sinning and repenting and sinning again... someone insert a break condition, please!
The worst than worst part is I do not see any reason why I should feel/behave in a way I am. I've husband who is most loving and caring and better job from last year and a nice house to take care of, see lots of reasons to be happy, so why?

1 comment:

  1. Sometimes it's just okay to digress in be sad for no reason...for it just is a sign of how humane and insane you are.. :)
    I would further say though it all makes no sense feeling like this but we got to accept the fact that sometimes we feel what we feel no matter if it's the right thing to feel or not?There's no right/wrong attached to it..It just happens and you can't help it..Take care dear and do post soon...Waiting! I would be back with a revamped and new blog..Just hold on :P